Lalala

My mom's birthday is tomorrow and she was extremely happy about it but I didn't understand why. So I asked her "why are you excited about getting older?" Her response was "because I'm actually reaching my next birthday." I hadn't thought about it like that, to be happy and celebrate simply because your heart is still beating. I'm not saying that I get depressed after every birthday (even though I might this time, nineteen is the last teen, it seems like I'm getting old) but I am apathetic. That started happening after my seventeenth birthday when for the first time I realized that I will die one day. Instead of thinking of your birthday as one day closer to death but rather one more day to live and enjoy life is so much better. But since I refuse to ignore the angel of death that lingers over everyone, I often think about how I would like to go. Natural causes of course being peaceful in that your heart gives out while you sleep so there is no pain. Usually though people aren't that lucky, I have had quite a few family members die from painful medical conditions like cancer and heart attacks. If I could choose though I would want it to happen after I found my true love (yes I believe in people being meant for each other even though you see it less and less now days) and have had a child. Right now it's a tie between death by natural causes and death by some sort of heroic act like saving people from a burning building or taking a bullet for a kid. Basically it narrows down to letting the big man upstairs choose or me choosing and that isn't a choice I'm ready to make yet.